Things

I spent my birthday with my favorite little girl. She's grown up now, and I love her to bits. (My birthday is a state secret.)

I've been watching West Wing the past two days. Sometimes I wish a Philippine president comes to power who can inspire me to serve government.

I bought a new backpack and sneakers. I want to walk some more.

I realized I haven't been hungry in a long time. Hungry for something. A toy to play with. A thing to define on my own terms.

I lack that right now. The hunger to do, to reach something.

There was a time I was so hungry for a win. IMB went from a program that faced the ax when I came in, to the number one in three years. Then I left. Later, I signed on to manage three programs.

I am hungry. For what, I don't know. What I know is that the environment I'm in right now is not providing me with the right challenge.

It was my birthday. I spent it with a little lady I love to bits.

I hope she learns this: that one should be hungry for something all the time.

And that it is easy to move around if you create a need for you wherever you go.

And miles to go before I sleep.
And miles to go before I sleep.

Not so fast. Don't jump.

There's more of them every day. Kids whose parents are unable to support them. (Downtown Manila, July 2008)

There's this email group of which I am a member that recently had a fiery discussion (I wonder if it's over now) triggered by a member's comment: that he couldn't care less what happens to the Philippines because the brilliant ones have left, and those who remain in the country are dumb, lazy, and old. (Mga tanga, tamad at matatanda.)

I snickered when I read it, knowing what would happen next. There'd be dozens of emails lambasting him, or others would come up with more denigrating and vicious statements.

Maybe thousands share his view. While I do not agree with it, I know I cannot outlaw his opinion, which I'm sure he thought a lot about.

I don't even want to burn a brain cell or two to debunk his theory that all those who who have left are the brilliant ones. He is, after all, among those who have left the country.

It is not uncommon to find people who make wrong assumptions.

In another e-group, I read about someone who wanted to put up a store to support farmers who need cheap fertilizers. Someone pointed out that farmers living in far-flung areas cannot be considered part of the target market.

The proponent, seething, criticized the damn farmers for being too lazy to haul off their ass to get on a tricycle, and buy cheaper fertilizers from the store he plans to put up.

Of course, the answer would be that farmers have very few coins to spare for the tricycle ride to town. And trips to the town proper are sometimes planned weeks ahead.

Talking with heads of funding agencies in Europe months ago, I asked them how they view the Philippines. "Filipinos are so kind and warm, and Manila is so clean," they said.

My jaw dropped. These people have been making decisions based on guided tours.

I didn't contradict them. Instead, I presented statistics why primary education, especially in Mindanao, should receive the bulk of the funding they have available for the region and gave them links to articles about education in Mindanao.

The last of the cases I wish to share is about a group of students who spent a week in a farming community. I think they call it immersion. What they immerse in, I know not.

At the end of their stay, their teacher called a meeting between the students and the community elders.

The students were asked what project they would propose to improve life in the barrio.

The students pointed out that an unlit portion of the "pilapil" or ricefield leading to the barrio is a hazard to members of the community.

Their solution?

"Gusto po naming lagyan ng 'glow in the dark' iyong daan para wala pong malaglag sa pilapil pag gabi," the students said.

We survived

I rarely talk about work in very specific details, so pardon me when I do, in glowing details.

I'm not talking about scoops. I'm talking about something like over 60 people working independently to achieve a common goal: put up a newscast despite major odds.

Our computers were not with us today.

Our internal system failed. No internal system.
Our internet failed. No way to cross-check information.
No emails. No way to get emailed scripts from the field.
We had no way of knowing what the other was doing.

The system crashed an hour before airing.
Only two computers were working, using an old system.
One in the studio, one in the newsroom.

So, instead of a script being checked by three people before airing, only one person did.
People edited scripts and lead ins on their own.
We each saw a fragment of the whole thing.

The reporters assigned to me had to rewrite their script from scratch, using Word or Wordpad.
I checked their scripts.
Then we found out the printers were not working.
Someone brought a flash drive. We saved it there.
We looked for computers that had printer connections.
Bugged the persons who owned the printers and laptops, ousted them from their seats, printed our scripts, and said our thank yous.

I wrote the lead ins by hand.
"Nasty handwriting," Koryn said.
I dictated the lead ins of the stories I handled.
Then the EP called the next story in the line-up.
"I gotta go to the studio now," said the EP.
And he only had time to see the first block.

We all worked on our own.

When the anchors said their goodbyes, we all clapped.
And breathed.

When Joey and Dondi came in, another applause.

We did it. Clap clap clap.

And then we moved on to the next newscast.
We survived the dark ages and put up a show.

Ang mga kaibigan ko

Ayala. Zobel. Tan. Madrigal. Ortigas. Cojuangco. Oppen. Romualdez. Tantoco.

Iyan ang mga apelyidong kahit kailan hindi ko nakakiskisan ng siko. At kasalanan nila iyon. Kakulangan nila sa buhay iyon. To borrow a quote from a starlet (which I made up): "It's their lost, not mind."

Ang mga kaibigan ko, hindi sila nagpapatugtog ng love songs pag nasa paligid ako. Liban na lang kung talagang plano nilang buwisitin ako at panoorin kung paano akong mag-transform na parang bulate na binuhusan ng chlorox. (Ginawa ko na iyon. Ikaw, gawin mo rin at tingnan ang mangyayari.)

Kasama ko silang pumila sa cartoon movies. At di na nila ako sinisingil kung di ko pa napapanood ang Jurassic Park.

Ganyan ang karakter ng mga taong kung tawagin ko ay kaibigan.

Ang mga kaibigan ko, alam na na tumitili ako pag nakakarinig ng silly love songs. Tumitili na parang binubunutan ng ngipin. Minsan sinadya ni Angel na patugtugan ako ng girlie songs niya, pero wala akong magawa dahil ihahatid niya ako sa kotse niya sa MOA. Tiis ako. Alam mo kung paano bunutan ng ngipin nang walang pampamanhid? Ganoon ang epekto ng ginawa niya.

Sadista. Maldita. Ganyan ang karamihan ng mga kaibigan ko. Paminsan-minsan lang naman. Pag napupuno na sila sa akin, gumaganti sila sa pamamagitan ng paggawa ng mga maliliit na bagay na malaki para sa akin. Mga hayop sila.

May sobra ring tahimik. Di umiimik liban na lang kung the roots of Miranda Rights at QED equation ang usapan. Huwag mo nang alamin. Di ko na rin inalam.

Pauwi ako kanina nang maisip ko ang sinabi ng isang kaibigan ko. Sabi ko kasi, gusto kong yumaman. Sabi niya, mayaman na ako sa kaalaman, sa dami ng kaibigan, at kakuriputan.

Ewan ko kung mayaman na ako sa kaalaman. Pag tumigil ka kasi sa pangongolekta ng kaalaman, mayabang ka na lang. Dapat laging nagbabasa at nagdadagdag.

Sa pera, dapat din tuloy ang pagpaparami nito. Y A Y A M A N A K O ! ! !

Sa kaibigan, walang masama kung dadami pa. Dito ako maingat. Piling-pili sila.

Tingnan natin ang aking mga nakolekta: lahat sa kanila, responsable sa halos lahat ng panahon. Ayoko kasi ng hihila sa akin sa bisyo at katamaran. Lahat sila, may natututunan ako. Lahat sila, iresponsable kung minsan pero alam ang hangganan at hindi sumasabit sa trabaho.

Lalaki man o babae, hitad sila. May babaeng nanlalaki. May lalaking nambababae. May lalaking nanlalalaki. May babaeng nambababae. Wala akong pakialam kung sino ang ikinukuwarto nila. Isyu nila iyon. Slam the bedroom door.

Pero kailanman, pahirap sa kalooban ko ang lalaking gustong manlalaki pero di umaamin. Ilan na ang di ko nakasundo dahil sa gulo ng isip nila, pero di nila kailanman aaminin na ang bagyo ay sa kanila, hindi sa akin nagmula. Kaya wala sila sa listahan ko. At putang ina niyo, umamin kasi kayo! (Yes, honey, that was for you. You stupid son of a bitch. How can you be my friend when you can't even admit what the fuck you are?)

Okay, breathe, breathe.

May mga ilan din sa kanila na mababaw lang ang pagkakilala ko noong una, pero noong maharap sila sa krisis, ako ang nilapitan. Mukha raw akong mapagkakatiwalaan at patas kung lumaban. Kundi ba naman mababaw ang batayan nila sa karakter, ewan ko na lang.

May ilan sa kanila na nakita akong galit na galit, pero walang kadala-dala, ginawa pa rin akong kaibigan. Kundi ba naman kaparis ko rin silang hunghang.

Isa nga sa kanila, nakita ako nang sipain ko ang isang taksi na ang driver ay inisa-isa kami sa pila para piliin kung sino ang isasakay niya sa gitna ng ulan. Pang-walo ako sa tinigilan at tinanggihan. Sipain ko nga ang pinto. Nayupi nang konti. Pero di kinayang bumaba ng driver kahit hinahamon ko dahil alam ko, at alam niya, na may pitong grupo ng tao na kukuyog sa kanya. (Calculated risk ko iyon, kahit pa nilamon na ako ng galit.)

Ang isang kaibigan ko pa, nang malipat sa Malacanang beat saka lang niya nalaman na mahal na mahal niya pala ako. Balik na lang daw siya sa Senado. "You are unique. Walang karakter na gaya mo rito. Huwaaah!" sabi niya. Syet. Panahon pa ng Easycall iyon pero natatandaan ko pa. Ninang ako sa panganay niya. At ang pangalang ibinigay ko sa anak niya ang ginamit nilang palayaw.

Inaanak. Hmmm.

Kung bibilangin ang mga magulang na nagoyo ko, maisusuma ko iyon sa dami ng inaanak ko. Mahigit walumpu na, palapit na sa isandaan.

Naknampotah. Diyan mo malalaman, walang kinabukasan ang bansang ito. Ganyan karami ang mga batang baliw na ang magulang, baliw pa ang ninang. Ano ba naman, wala ba tayong pinagkatandaan?

Ang malungkot lang, hindi lahat ng mga taong ito ay nakikita ko pa rin ngayon. Pero alam ko na kung kakailanganin, gagawa sila ng paraan para sa akin. At alam nilang ganoon din ako.

May ilan akong binura sa listahan. Dalawa siguro. Masakit pero kailangan. Ang kaibigan, kahit kailan ay di ka dapat babawasan. Huwag na tayong mag-drama riyan. Maaayos din iyan, pero hindi ngayon. Marami akong itinanim sa kanilang dalawa, pero magulo sila kaya hamo na. Pasensiya na, pero ang sa akin, hindi ko lang itinanim, diniligan ko pa. Ang laki ng puhunan ko sa inyo, ano?

Iyong mga kaibigan kong mahal, bukod sa tanggap na nilang duwag ako sa doktor, alam na nilang hindi ako maayos na tao.

Ang mga kaibigan kong minahal, sila iyong nagawa nang hilahin ako at kausapin para pagalitan para umayos pag nagmamalabis na ako.

Sila iyong hinarap ako, pinagsabihan para matuto ng kagandahang asal. Hindi sila nagsinungaling para maging mas madali ang sasabihin. They fucking gave me a dressing down. And they know they did their job, and they know I love them for setting me aright. And they know I love them for that.

Kaibigan. Importante sila sa akin sa paraang di madalas maintindihan.

Mag-isa kasi akong nakatira rito sa Maynila. Sila ang pamilya ko.

At kung binabasa mo ito, isa ka siguro roon.

Random acts of kindness

The only place on earth that made me cry was Paris. Long story, will deal with it on a separate post.

As a backpacker traveling alone, I've been a recipient of hundreds of acts of kindness. Here are some of them:

- a soldier who was off duty in France who saw me crying near the Eiffel tower. I wasn't getting the help I could get from people who were manning the usual "i" (information) stations and "international ticketing station." I stayed the night in what turned out to be a bad street in Paris, got sexually harrassed a couple of times, got rebuffed when I asked for directions from people who were supposed to help, and was already feeling so low. The soldier noticed me bawling, asked what was wrong, looked at the map I had with me and I showed him where I spent the night. "Bad street, drugs and prostitution," he said. He walked with me back to my hotel to get my backpack, carried all 25 kilos of it, bowed when we reached a certain street, and said "Madame, backpackers' area."

I had fun after that, seeing all the museums, taking in the works of art in the city. All the Van Goghs I've seen, oh, my heart can't take. I wanted to get a blanket and sleep there on the floor with all the Van Goghs to make me dream a thousand dreams.

- a Middle Eastern man who knew very little English. It was my first night in Frankfurt, and the streets were quite deserted at 11PM. I asked him where "cheap hotels" were. He walked with me, said "Sorry, no English" all the time, but later on, waving his hand like presenting something to a queen, he said "cheap hotel, Madame." It was a bread and breakfast with very proper people.

- a black college student who showed me how to get to the main train station in Paris for my trip to Lyon. Had it not been for her help, I would not have caught the train on time. It took us two train changes, and she stayed with me (off her course), so I could get to the station without getting lost. I got there with just a few minutes to spare. Had it not been for her, I would have missed it.

- Eric from Belgium, who shared the flight from Amsterdam to Brussels with me. He told me I won't have it easy figuring out the train system at midnight so he told his car driver friend to take me to my hotel.

- Noah from Israel. I met her in Boracay and we became friends. I helped her find a nice place to stay at in Malate. We exchanged letters and how-are-yous after that. When she learned I was going to Israel, she asked me to stay with her in her apartment, which she shared with another guy and another girl. I woke up every morning with directions on where to go: take the 99 bus to visit such and such place. I even had dinner with her parents, who were members of the Palmach. (Go google it up.) And since I am eternally curious, I asked them for stories of their adventures and pictures of how Israel looked like when they were young. It was a great experience, talking to her parents.

Here's a tip: if you can, design your flight in such a way that you will reach your destination a few hours before nightfall. Most of my errors can be blamed on my flights arriving at night. Something I didn't know back then.

Trust the "i" people. Look for them at airports, train and bus terminals. Ask them where you can stay, cheaply, if you are a backpacker like me.

Always ask for the city center because chances are, that's where the fun places are. It also has the heaviest concentration of public transportation.

Read up on the city where you plan to stay. Weeks before leaving, widget the weather there. (Wow. I just used widget as a verb!) It will help you plan what clothes to pack.

Keep an open mind. Eat what they eat. It's part of the experience. Falafel in Israel. Pizza in Italia.

Be open to the universe. No judgment. People are what they are, eat what they eat, based on their environment. You as a visitor should adapt.

DO NOT go with strangers who approach you. (They have YOU planned)

YOU approach strangers and ask for directions and information. (They have no way and time to plan.)

Smile. Be nice. Whether you like it or not, fair or unfair, you are your country's representative wherever you go.

Once you are here at home, be kind to foreigners who look lost. You will never know what help you can give them now, and what they can give you in the future.

Countries

1. Brunei
2. Malaysia (twice)
3. Indonesia (twice)
4. Singapore (twice)
5. Thailand (A lot of times than I want to remember. High point: Kanchanaburi river hotel, the railway of death.)
6. Sweden (Stockholm, Kalmar)
7. Germany (Frankfurt, Munich, Bad Aibling, Bavaria)
8. France (Paris, Lyon)
9. Spain (Madrid. High point: Avenida de las Islas Filipinas. Woooohooo!)
10. Israel (Tel Aviv, Old Jerusalem, Ein Gedi, Dead Sea. High point: Wailing Wall. Booohooo! Floating on dead sea, yahooo! Naked men at Tel Aviv beach, yahooo! Masada: how did they manage to have a spa?)
11. USA (Hawaii, Florida, California. High point: My nephews! High point 2: Castro! Golden Gate! Crookedest St.)
12. Australia (Sydney)
13. Belgium
14. Italy (Palermo, Corleone, Milan)

My list needs to grow longer.
Most of these trips were for study, on scholarships, then side trips. All side trips on backpacker's budget. Sleeping on trains.
Israel on a whim. Thanks to Noa, a girl I met in Boracay who allowed me to have dinner with and interview her parents, who were part of the war for independence, etc.

(AND SINCE PANADEROS REMINDED ME OF IT:)
15. Hongkong I lost weight here with all the walking I did for five days.

Love

Okay. Breathe. I challenged myself to write about something mushy. Something I always find like, eeewwww.

It has always been easier to talk about what love is not. For me, at least. Bitterness ang taenang sintemyento de asukal sa letseng powtang emosyon na potah.

Breathe. Breathe. You can do this.

Taena.

Okay.

Love is not something just for February 14. You cause traffic when you do that, PEOPLE! Hello???? Stupid sentimental fools who cause traffic along Tomas Morato. Your carbon footprints. Hell-o????

Okay. Breathe. Taena.

Love is something that makes you brave. Beyond your wildest dreams. It causes you to believe you are not subject to the rules of expanding tummy skin and stretch marks.

Okay. Bad start. Potah. Di bale na nga. Bukas na lang.

Classical in rock

When I need to focus, I listen to classical music.
When I need to write, I listen to classical music.
When I'm relaxing, I listen to rock music.
When I feel like a rock star, I play rock music.
I just discovered this one tonight.
You rock, dude! Thanks for fusing together two things that I love.

Mabuhay ka!

Narinig ko ito sa taxi ilang linggo na ang nakararaan. Si Armida Siguion-Reyna ang nagbasa nito. Sa kanyang tinig na papalit-palit mula sa pagiging malamlam, malambing, aburido, galit, nag-aalsa, kumakalma, nabigyan ng buhay ang sinulat ni Pete Lacaba, isa sa mga mahuhusay at mapagpakumbaba nating manununulat.

Ibinabalik tayo ng mga susunod na salita sa mga payak na aral na sinikap idikdik sa ating kamalayan noon bilang bata, bilang kabataan, bilang padre o madre de pamilya, bilang mamamayan.

Mga simpleng bagay na makapagpapaayos sana sa ating lipunan, dangan nga lamang at madalas natin itong kinakalimutan, o isinasaisantabi, kapalit ng maalwan na buhay habang nakatapak sa paa ng kapwa.


TAGUBILIN AT HABILIN
Sinulat ni Jose F. Lacaba
Binigkas ni Armida Siguion-Reyna
Musika ni Ryan Cayabyab


Mabuhay ka, kaibigan!

Iyan ang una’t huli kong
Tagubilin at habilin: Mabuhay ka!

Sa edad kong ito, marami akong maibibigay na payo.
Mayaman ako sa payo.
Maghugas ka ng kamay bago kumain.
Maghugas ka ng kamay pagkatapos kumain.
Pero huwag kang maghuhugas ng kamay para lang makaiwas sa sisi.
Huwag kang maghuhugas ng kamay kung may inaapi
Na kaya mong tulungan.

Paupuin sa bus ang matatanda at ang mga may kalong na sanggol.
Magpasalamat sa nagmamagandang-loob.
Matuto sa karanasan ng matatanda
Pero huwag magpatali sa kaisipang makaluma.

Huwag piliting matulog kung ayaw kang dalawin ng antok.
Huwag pag-aksayahan ng panahon ang walang utang na loob.
Huwag makipagtalo sa bobo at baka ka mapagkamalang bobo.
Huwag bubulong-bulong sa mga panahong kailangang sumigaw.

Huwag kang manalig sa bulung-bulungan.
Huwag kang papatay-patay sa ilalim ng pabitin.
Huwag kang tutulog-tulog sa pansitan.

Umawit ka kung nag-iisa sa banyo.
Umawit ka sa piling ng barkada.
Umawit ka kung nalulungkot.
Umawit ka kung masaya.

Ingat lang.

Huwag kang aawit ng “My Way” sa videoke bar at baka ka mabaril.
Huwag kang magsindi ng sigarilyo sa gasolinahan.
Dahan-dahan sa matatarik na landas.
Dahan-dahan sa malulubak na daan.

Higit sa lahat, inuulit ko: Mabuhay ka!

Maraming bagay sa mundo na nakakadismaya.
Mabuhay ka.
Maraming problema ang mundo na wala na yatang lunas.
Mabuhay ka.

Sa hirap ng panahon, sa harap ng kabiguan,
Kung minsan ay gusto mo nang mamatay.
Gusto mong maglaslas ng pulso kung sawi sa pag-ibig.
Gusto mong uminom ng lason kung wala nang makain.
Gusto mong magbigti kung napakabigat ng mga pasanin.
Gusto mong pasabugin ang bungo mo kung maraming gumugulo sa utak.

Huwag kang patatalo. Huwag kang susuko.

Narinig mo ang sinasabi ng awitin:
“Gising at magbangon sa pagkagupiling,
Sa pagkakatulog na lubhang mahimbing.”
Gumising ka kung hinaharana ka ng pag-ibig.
Bumangon ka kung nananawagan ang kapuspalad.

Ang sabi ng iba: “Ang matapang ay walang-takot lumaban.”
Ang sabi ko naman: Ang tunay na matapang ay lumalaban
Kahit natatakot.

Lumaban ka kung inginungodngod ang nguso mo sa putik.
Bumalikwas ka kung tinatapak-tapakan ka.
Buong-tapang mong ipaglaban ang iyong mga prinsipyo
Kahit hindi ka sigurado na agad-agad kang mananalo.

Mabuhay ka, kaibigan. Mabuhay ka.