Ipokrita

Kuha ko sa Perlie's, Quezon City October 2008

Ang ganda ng kulay di ba?

Bakit kaya ang ganda-ganda ng bihis ng insektong ito, pero ang papel sa buhay ay mag-iwan ng bacteria sa bawat madapuan niya?

May mga taong ganyan. May kakilala akong ganyan.

Ang ganda ng bihis, ang husay magsalita, pero kapag nakilala mong mabuti, puro bacteria ang dala.

Thoughts on a campaign in a faraway land

I will be honest: I've been secretly rooting for Barack Obama since he announced his candidacy.

I thought his Audacity of Hope speech at the 2004 Democratic National Convention was brilliantly written, and well-delivered.

I read his two books. I like his background.

To be fair, I read as much as I could about John McCain, too. I didn't like several things he did during this campaign, which I thought were deal-breakers.

1) When a supporter called Senator Barack Obama "an Arab", Senator John McCain came to the defense of of his political opponent by saying, "No, ma'am. He's a decent family man and citizen..."

Sen. McCain, does this mean Arabs are automatically considered less than decent family men and Obama is just an exception to the rule?

2) The choice of Palin as veep.
She seriously thinks "keeping an eye" on Alaska's neighbor, Russia should count as foreign relations experience.

She says a lot without really saying anything, and can't name a proper paper or magazine she reads even if her campaign depended on it.

For someone who loves America as much as you, Sen. McCain, how can you inflict someone like her on a position a breath away from the nuclear football?

Women want to be taken seriously in politics, in the workplace. You pushed our campaign back to where we were decades ago.

Geraldine Ferraro was a good start. You chose someone who, according to your own staff, had a dramatic lack of fundamental understanding of some key issues.

'"Another McCain source with direct knowledge of the process to prepare Palin after she was picked said it was probably the "hardest" to get her "up to speed than any candidate in history,"' according to various news sources.

She's undermining your campaign as I write this, going rogue on you as she eyes the next elections.

With all due respect Sen. McCain, Newsweek and Time thought you ran a dirty campaign.

I like Obama for keeping his cool the past 20 months. For having - and keeping - a team that follows the mantra of No Drama Campaign. For keeping it as clean as possible. For staying on message.

Now, if there is a Filipino presidential candidate I can trust who will tell me this in 2010, I'd vote again:

"I'm reminded every single day that I am not a perfect man. I will not be a perfect president. But I can promise you this: I will always tell you what I think, and where I stand. I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you when we disagree. And most importantly, I will open the doors of government and ask you to be involved in your own democracy again."
- Barack Obama

Good luck, Barack!

Ang egotistic at ang autistic

Hindi lahat ng magkakaibigan, ganito mag-usap. I think itong hunghang na ito lang ang nakakausap ko nang ganitong level.

Happy birthday, Fried Egg.

Ayan, nasunod ang gusto mo. Nag-post ako ng tungkol sa iyo dahil birthday mo. O, ha? Tama na ha? Napansin ka na. Next year na ulit.

Happy birthday, Kulet!

jaileen168
3:22 PM oist. happy beerday
Garry
3:22 PM salamat manang
jaileen168
3:22 PM 42 ka na??? mali, 43
Garry
3:23 PM that makes you 49
jaileen168
3:23 PM FQ 2!!!
Garry
3:24 PM ageist
jaileen168
3:24 PM hunghang!
3:24 PM comment ka blog ko. nag-aaral na ako nang seryoso. nagbabasa na ako ng manual.

Garry
3:25 PM haha...bday na bday ko...nag-mow ako ng lawn...putangna...hirap pala nun
jaileen168
3:25 PM mas okay pag maliit na mower. di masyadong mahirap kontrolin

Garry
3:25 PM whadda...akala ko blog mo about my bday hahahha... egotistic
jaileen168
3:25 PM sorry. hindi umiikot sa iyo ang mundo. SA AKIN!
Garry
3:26 PM hehe. one egotistic vs another...cool
jaileen168
3:27 PM YEP.
Garry
3:27 PM ay mali...one egotistic vs one autistic...im the former...hahahha
jaileen168
3:27 PM hayop. animal. ulupong.
Garry
3:28 PM autistic ka naman...me sariling mundo...writers are like that...walang kokontra...tangnamo bday ko
jaileen168
3:29 PM potah ka. wala ka talagang respeto sa akin.

Garry
3:29 PM mano po
jaileen168
3:29 PM sige na nga. otistic na kung otistic. pero huwag mo akong pagmamanuhan. wala akong ipapamana sa iyo, baliw!
Garry
3:30 PM ayoko...pamana mo death threats eh
jaileen168
3:30 PM hindi ah. marami akong gold. hukayin mo muna sa zambales.
Garry
3:31 PM gold...na pustiso
3:31 PM alam ko na regalo mo sa akin...

jaileen168
3:32 PM egotistic talaga. siya pa ang magsasabi ng regalo. asows. masyado kang mahiyain
Garry
3:32 PM canon...dslr!!! yung bago ha

jaileen168
3:32 PM ULUPONG!!!!! huwag kang ganyan. ang mahal mahal ng camera.
3:32 PM krisis pati sa pinas. maghunus-dili ka, oy.
3:33 PM kung makahiling ka parang pokpok akong maganda na naghihintay lang ng pera mula sa kanyang azucarera de papa.

Garry
3:33 PM to borrow from angel...potah ka miss j...dami mo raket...kuripot ka...madamot...
jaileen168
3:33 PM Hindi ako pokpok at wala akong azucarera de papa. I fight poverty. i work.
3:33 PM MAGANDA LANG AKO!!!
Garry
3:33 PM sinungaling ka pa
jaileen168
3:34 PM yep. can't be helped.

Garry
3:38 PM ihanap mo na lang ako ng siyota
jaileen168
3:38 PM ang layo ng sagot. anak ng tokwa
3:39 PM MALANDI KA! KIRI! HALIPAROT!!!

Garry
3:40 PM ang ginaw...nasa labas ako eh..mas malakas signal...
3:40 PM putsa bday ko nag-mow ako ng lawn
jaileen168
3:40 PM okay lang iyan. it means you're growing up. matulog ka na.
Garry
3:40 PM me mga bumabati pa...puro na lang ng bati.
jaileen168
3:41 PM pasalamat ka maraming bati nang bati sa iyo. kasi wala kang siyota.
3:41 PM bwahahahaha!
Garry
3:41 PM letse.
jaileen168
3:41 PM hahahaha! please spare the heifers
Garry
3:42 PM mahirap ang heifers..mailap...cow na lang... and dont f*cking make me explain the diff
jaileen168
3:43 PM ay, ganoon nga ang itatanong ko eh. EXPLAIN THE DIFF!
Garry
3:43 PM heifer first timer...parang ikaw...virgin na virgin...
jaileen168
3:43 PM tado. iyon ang tinatawag na HOLY COW!

Garry
3:45 PM alam mo kung bakit holy cow?
jaileen168
3:45 PM sa india holy ang cow. ano ang handa mo? dapat special. 40th mo na eh!
Garry
3:46 PM nagpacanton ako kagabi
3:46 PM nagpapacanton ka ba pag bday mo?
jaileen168
3:47 PM tange. nagtatago nga ako, di ba?

Garry
3:47 PM oo nga pala. sige i'll read your egotistic blog... o ha wag galit bday ko...
jaileen168
3:49 PM lahat ng blog, egotistic, tange.
Garry
3:49 PM korek. tumatalino ka na...
love the bird shot on sssshhh post
jaileen168
3:54 PM ako rin. pero hirap kunan kasi ang layo nila.
3:54 PM medyo eerie rin kasi pare-pareho sila lagi ng direction na hinaharap. parang iyong scary movie na pumapatay ang birds.

Garry
3:55 PM isa direction...on the look out for food or something might have caught their attn
jaileen168
3:55 PM ahhhh, okay. akala ko wind direction or something
Garry
3:56 PM naaahhhh...

jaileen168
3:57 PM okay. thanks. i learned something. ano lens mo?
Garry
4:00 PM carl zeiss
jaileen168
4:00 PM eng?
Garry
4:00 PM search!
jaileen168
4:00 PM opo bossing.
4:01 PM haberdey kulet. pakabait ka
Garry
4:01 PM tnx
jaileen168
4:01 PM goodnight.
Garry
4:01 PM gnyt

Lessons learned

Canon recently gave me a magazine that teaches idiots like me how to use the camera I bought.

I read it and promptly forgot the lessons, except for one or two. One was when to use the "close up mode," the other, the "portrait mode."

Remembering just these two, I went in search of victims, err, subjects. Since flowers have no ability to protest and walk out or read me my Miranda rights, I went to the QC Circle.

The park felt like a market place on market day so I transferred to Perlie's after just a few shots.

Perlie's however, is just a remnant of its beautiful past. They still have a few scraggly plants, though, and it was more quiet since the restaurant was still closed.

This one is burnt because I forgot that my ISO was still set at 1600 after a night shoot. Sunooog! Calling the Chinese Volunteer Fire Brigade!

ISO at 400, it looked better. Not perfect, but getting there.

I used the close up mode on this tiny flower and voila! It looks like a white flower floating in darkness with a few hints of green in the background. I also used the portrait mode and I can't tell the difference. Both modes made the subject float.

I am not a great fan of using flash. Both modes used it, which highlighted the subject's color. One great lesson learned.

This bug walked out on me because it took me so long to focus on it. I was able to take two shots, both sharp and the bug's feet could be seen clearly.

Lessons learned:
1) If you're going to do this, slap on a few layers of Off Lotion. The mosquitoes will feast on you.
2) Stay away from public parks on Sundays. It's too noisy and crowded. Shoot elsewhere.
3) If you've no other choice but the park, focus on bugs and flowers. You really have no other safe option. There are a lot of couples who can't afford a room and you don't want to be taken for a peeping tom.
4) Filipinos do two things when handed a microphone on Sunday: Sing or preach, or both.
5) Preachers can be annoying because they make you feel they alone have seen the light and there's no hope for you, you immoral fornicator you!

Saan ba may magandang garden dito sa Quezon City? Haay.

Sssshhhhhh....

Picture taken at Gate 4, NAIA3, October 2008


Picture taken in Guimaras, October 2008

Obama picture courtesy of Callie Shell

God bless each of us. And our dreams, no matter how impossible. No matter how audacious.

It hurts, it hurts you know!

"Hey, auntie, we are making plans now and I'm buying her a ring," says Tiger. He's only 19 for crying out loud.


Parang kahapon lang, ni hindi ko alam paano siya hawakan noong bagong panganak kasi parang ang liit niya at baka mailaglag ko.

Tapos ngayon, nagbabalak na siyang pakasal?

Sino ba itong hitad na ito? Kiri! Haliparot! Malandi!

Ano ang kaya niyang lutuin? Ano ang alam niya sa pag-aasawa?

Pero kung kausap ko ang pangkin ko, siyempre ang linya ko pa-cool na tiyahin. "I'm so happy you've found someone who makes you this happy, honey," sabi ko. Gusto kong tadyakan ang sarili ko kung puwede lang talagang gawin iyon. IPOKRITA!

Pero sa loob-loob ko lang, punyemas na mga batang ito, katatanggal lang ng mga nguso sa bote ng gatas, balak nang mag-asawa?

Sana puwede kong sabihin na "Salapi lang natin ang habol ng babaeng iyan!" pero susku, hindi naman kami mayaman.

Buti na lang may Brian at CJ pa.

Waaaaah! It hurts, you know!

It hurts, you know!

I took a walk in the island last Saturday. I wanted to check the lagoon which they said is teeming with fish. It was a kilometer away from the resort.

What I saw was not just a lagoon with lots of fish, but a place full of butterflies, dragonflies and colorful birds I've never seen before. I hurriedly walked back to the resort to ditch my fishing line and replace it with my camera.

I was halfway there when my left foot stepped on an uneven part of the trail. For a split second, I felt the major veins in my ankle stretch outward.

I tried to walk but I couldn't feel my leg. What I felt was pain from my ankle to my thigh.

And so I sat there, hoping there'd be passersby, shifting between cursing like a sailor on leave (Shayt. Tanga!), staring at the butterflies like a kid rarely let out, and whimpering in pain.

When I got tired of feeling helpless (around 10 minutes), I tossed the self-pity aside, looked for a something I could lean on to lessen the pressure on my ankle, and began the long, painful walk home, a walk often punctuated by colorful, single-syllable words your mom told you never to use.

The resort manager and staff drove me to the neighborhood hilot and made me roll a bottle using my injured foot. "Mas mabuti kung Sprite," Mang Jimmy the hilot said. (Don't ask. I didn't).

There goes the nature photo opp by the lagoon. There goes the trip back to Bacolod City for the Masskara.

I decided to make the best out my situation. Rest the ankle. Hmmm. Don't get it wet yet. Hmmm.

I lazed on one of the three hammocks. Read and slept. Moved to the next one when the sun crept in. Read and slept. Moved to the third when the sun shifted again.



Then when I couldn't sleep anymore, I headed for my fishing perch. I saw Nemo's friends, caught a lot of ulam, stayed here until almost midnight, rested my back on the bamboo slats and watched the stars, and thanked The Big Boss Up There for the privilege of growing old.



My ankle's still swollen. While there, I kept racking my brain whether to apply hot or cold compress. There's no cellphone signal in the island and I couldn't get in touch with any of my doctor friends. (Mas marami ang doctor ng ekonomiya at law sa listahan ko). We are made to eat ice cream after a tooth extraction, to stanch the flow of blood. Hot compress would make blood flow fast. What should I be doing to help the ligature heal fast? Ay, I just let it be.

Last night, TK the doctor said cold compress is the right answer. It's still swollen. Shayt. More single-syllable language your mom told you never to use.

Tsk. Paano pa ako makakapag-heels nito? :)

O, bawal magmura. Maniwala na lang kayo na nagsusuot ako ng heels kahit walang dahilan dahil classy lady ako.

My birthday, my refuge

You know how it feels like? It's like being in love. My heartbeat is fast, it jumps and if I let go, I'd qualify for a pacemaker.

It's my birthday and I'm leaving you.
I mean, I'm leaving the city and all of you for a while to be somewhere where my mind and soul go like Pokwang. Kandirit, kandirit.




The faster than normal heartbeat is due to the fact that I am going fishing. I've been here before and they loved me. (Not because I was nice to them but because I was nicely away all the time, fishing.)

F I S H I N G!!! Yahoooo!

Be back Tuesday.

Answering machine

"You're the only friend I have who has an answering machine," my friend the literary writer says. He eyes me intently.

I sensed he was going to that place again, the one that's so damn profound. Aaarrrgggh! I don't want serious talk. Pang-matalino iyon.

"Tantanan mo ako. Ako lang ang kaibigan mo," I said.

Record scratch. Pause. We stare at each other. We laugh. Haaay.

Am I the only one who has an answering machine? I bought it when I went lazy, and semi-freelanced for a few weeks. I thought it was necessary so as not to miss calls that may mean writing opportunities.

I think the bigger part of it is I want to listen to and keep, the messages people leave behind when confronted with a clinical voice that goes: "We are unavailable to take your call. Please leave a message."

"Halo? Si Misis Batan ito. Ang TAlepono ko ay ..." went the message one evening I got home. Misis Batan left four business-related messages. I thought it was urgent so I dialed her number in an effort to warn her that all her messages landed on my machine.

"Oh, that's my mom. She probably got her numbers mixed up again," said her son. I explained that her calls were urgent.

"Why do you have a machine? Do you live alone? Are you single?" the son asked. Namputsa. Nakialam pa.

"No, my husband and I work long hours," I said. Hmmm. It was like regurgitating stones saying that. My husband. Harharhar! Wishing.

"Hmmm, okay," he said. I think he knew I was lying about the married part. I'm not a very good liar, but my security depended on it.

"What's your phone number so I can tell my mom not to use it again?" he asked. Asus! Malandi nga.

"Just tell her not to dial my number. She knows what it is. Thanks, ha?" I said.

He grunted and said okay.

Anyway, there are other funny or amusing messages.

Tiffany said "Hello JJ" in seven different sweet ways then abruptly and coldly said "Fine, later na nga!" when I didn't pick up. (I really wasn't home).

"Negra, huwag kang mag-screen ng calls mo. Sumagot ka!" barks Da Bes Prend Bunny. Napakasungit na lalaki.

"Hello, JJ? Pick up, pick up!" orders the ever businesslike Nessa.

"Hahahaha! Natawa naman ako," said Clyde in 2005 when I taped my version of Gloria Macapal Arroyo's infamous "Hello Garci"line as my greeting.

And the classic: a five-minute sound recording of the sea at night from a guy I was avoiding three years ago. He knew I love fishing. (Nope. It didn't work).

But nothing beats a six-year old girl didn't know what to do when she had to deal with the machine; She sang the theme song of the soap called Darna, raspy breathing included.

Kung sino man ang nanay niya, salamat po. Ilang buwan din akong naaliw ng anak niyo.

Oh, God help me

I'm trying to quit smoking as a birthday gift to me.
My last stick was Friday night.

I've been here, and I know it's going to get worse this week before it gets any better. If there's a way I can get over this hump while sleeping, I'd file the paperwork and close the shutters.

But there's none. So I try to get my mind off cigarets by leaving the house, driving around, getting a hair cut, and drinking stuff I don't associate with smoking - hot calamansi with honey, pitchers of water.

Sa panahong ito, kung may magmamarunong at bibigyan ako ng linyang "dalawang araw pa lang pala eh," o kaya ay ikukumpara ako kung kani-kanino na tumigil na sa paninigarilyo, pahihirapan ko muna bago ko sapakin at ipako sa krus.

Old post

Why some things printed or broadcast are full of factual errors:

In the beginning, the earth was a dark place. There were no living things.

Then it rained a bit, creating puddles. Then bacteria started growing there.

They learned to type and called themselves writers.

Some preferred to be called journalists.

It bugs me

When I run out of people to shoot, I turn to bugs.
I hope you know I'm talking about pictures?

Jack and I went shooting yesterday. We only had two hours of natural light. It rained and traffic was bad, sending Jack to another one of his back to back expletive mode.

Bug to bud: ARE YOU MY DAD? (Click on pic for better resolution.)

This one looks promising in real size. It rained and the spider's web caught several raindrops. The spider is motionless beneath the huge raindrops. "Puro insekto naman kinukunan niyo, Miss J!" complained Jack.

Pahinga muna ako. Mahirap rin magkalat ng bacteria, akala niyo.


"Balik tayo rito sa Linggo Ma'am," Jack says. "Ang daming sexy. Baka dito ko makita ang destiny ko."

Si Jack talaga, winner sa fighting spirit. Kahit wala nang spirit, fighting pa rin! Iyan si Jack!

Obit

"Lahat ng patay, mabait. Humanap naman kayo ng ibang SOTs. Gasgas na iyan," I remember telling my team once. I was sick and tired of hearing dead people described as just that: nice.

More offensive was the oft-heard line: "Who will send (the dead person's) nine siblings to school now?" Like the dead will be missed solely for their financial contribution to a family of barnacles.

I was listening to an AM station this morning and I got curious when I heard the announcer say they're holding off on announcing deaths without having a copy of a death certificate.

"May mga magkakaaway po kasi na ipinaa-anunsyo nilang patay na iyong kaaway nila," the lady announcer said.

Eng? What's the world come to, I thought. Nothing's sacred anymore. The radio is our medium of widest reach, the one relied on by millions especially in the countryside for their information.

Anyway, this obit appeared in the Vallejo Times Herald. The newspaper had to go the extra mile before having the obit below printed by asking a blood relative to produce a death certificate to determine the authenticity of the information. As to the sentiments expressed, well, it's a private matter, so I'm guessing they didn't go further than asking for documentation.

The obit also appeared online, but the paper had to pull it out because it immediately generated some 200 nasty comments.

Dolores Aguilar
1929 - Aug. 7, 2008

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed, and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

As it turns out, the obit was written by one of Aguilar's daughters, who, going over the obituary written for other people, could not find one shred of sentiment that would fit her mother.

John Bogert of The Daily Breeze wrote about this obituary. Please read Bogert's piece before making a judgment.

Should it have been printed? For one obits, like ads, are paid for. Papers do check against libel, like that case when a tabloid refused to print an anti-Lozada ad. (Gasp! But the big papers did!)

The obit page is often boring. I often check to see if my name's already there, and enjoy the rest of the day like a madman when it's not. Aguilar's may prompt some of us to give it another look.

But then again, I do disagree when politicians are hailed as statesmen in their obit despite plundering our coffers but I keep my silence.

In the same vein, why should we deny a woman, or a family, the way they want to say goodbye to a woman who apparently caused them pain? If we demand honesty in life, should we expect lies in death because it makes us more comfortable?

Maitim ako pero...

Hindi naman siguro kaya ng balat ko na gawing ganito kaitim ang paligid.

This is what happens you leave your SLR lying around, you're on board and you haven't taught the people around you how to use it, scared they might "hurt" your "baby." (Read: madamot kasi!)


Earlier:
Officemate: "Bakit sira yata ang monitor ng camera mo, di ko makita ang picture na kinukunan ko?"
Me: "Errr, hindi kasi diyan iyan tinitingnan. Sinisilip ang kukunan mo doon sa maliit na butas sa itaas ng screen na iyan."
Officemate: "Ay, ang pangit."
Me: "That hurts, ha? It hurts, you know!"
Both of us: Hahahaha!
Me: "Camera mo ang pangit. Hmph!"


Sa mahigit isang dosenang kuha niya, ito lang ang medyo matino. Kung film ang gamit ko at pinakialaman ang camera ko, doon magsisimula ang panibagong conflict na dahilan ng panibagong training kung paano iku-cover. Hehe.


Wala na naman akong shoot ngayong weekend. Na-cancel na naman. Wala talagang tibay na maasahan dito sa mga subject at camera addicts na kasama ko. Mapagtiyagaan na nga lang ulit ang UP bukas. Maghahanap ako ng langgam na makukunan ng litrato.

A message from HRH, the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English.. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse..

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies)..

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


Dang. This email made me laugh.