Turning Thirty

I'm supposed to sleep early but I sense this post, as requested, is urgently needed.

I dreaded turning 30 just a tad. A crazed friend went skydiving to mark the milestone. I observed (note I said "observed," not celebrated) it like all other birthdays: by ducking and avoiding people who knew. I don't celebrate my birthday. I just say a prayer and thank The Big Boss Up There for allowing me another year. "Hey, Boss, I had fun there. More pa, ha?"

The process of aging starts the minute we were born. To some more cynical people, they say we start dying the minute we were born. I take the view that we are given days to enjoy and learn, the minute we were born. I am here to party, and I'm not talking about just the alcohol-laden type. Aging and dying, I cannot control. But to have fun and learn something new everyday, that is totally in my power and to hell with anyone who stands in my way. I will enjoy the 24 hours given me today and I will lap it up. I will justify the day given me.

My biggest fear in life is not dying. It's dying and telling the Big Boss Up There that I didn't enjoy life because I was busy making a living, or was sad for something that I didn't have. I will attack each day, each chore, each assignment, like a gift to enjoy. My goal is to tell The Big Boss Up There that I enjoyed my tour of duty, and can I please have another shot at it, this time as a rich, bored princess?

If there is one day I recall - and will admit to - being depressed was when I moved into this apartment in Project 6 about seven years ago. As I slept downstairs, I woke up in the middle of the night and I realized that everything I own is upstairs, in my room. No car, no house, no property, nothing. I've been renting since I was 18. I carried that feeling with me for weeks. It's like not having accomplished anything, despite years of slaving at the workplace.

Then I realized that I cannot judge my life based on what others have accomplished or acquired. Some land good jobs. Some land rich husbands. Everyday, the possibility of getting rich or being married is there. But why do we went them? Are we chasing those dreams because others have them? Or because society, or the people around us, tell us it's about time we had them? I looked at my life and realized that with my background, I am blessed to have a marketable skill that does not involve back-breaking manual labor. I am a college dropout who is doing the work of someone with a college degree. Sure, my heart's been broken and my ego's been squashed a couple of times, but I managed to lick my wounds and shake off the dust, and I'm smarter and tougher for it.

Each life is unique. We are given gifts at varying stages in life. Some get it in their 20s, others in their 40s. What matters is we enjoy what we do everyday, enjoy and learn from each person we meet.

However, it is normal to fear turning 30. It's that zero that messes us up. My older friends who turned 40 were depressed about it beginning when they hit 39. I had a tough time understanding them and generally avoided them like the plague. They were cranky and irritable and they took it out on me when I was around. I felt like I was being blamed for being younger. But a psychologist friend explained it well enough for me to understand what they were going through. That darned zero makes us all look back at the decades that passed us, reasses our lives, and we feel miserable when we feel we haven't achieved enough. Go ahead and go through the process like the rest of mankind. I have learned that even those with cars and houses and husbands and kids go through it. If you see something worth adjusting, do it. But more importantly, count your blessings.

You might have forgotten that you have a good job, that you are given a position reserved only for those who are deemed trustworthy and responsible enough. You might have forgotten that with the kind of position you have, other networks will open their doors to you. You might have forgotten that you have friends who will go through fire for you. You might have forgotten that you have traveled to places many have only seen on TV. You have a passport, and it's been stamped numerous times. You might have forgotten that you are in a unique position to choose whether to stay in the country or leave and live abroad. You might have forgotten that you can afford to pay for a cab ride home now. You might have forgotten that you can afford to live on your own now. You might have forgotten that the past years, you've increased the value of your name. You might have forgotten that you are a better, calmer, wiser person now. Most of all, you might have forgotten that at your age, you can still make a lot of mistakes and still have enough time to make corrections.

These are your gifts, and there will be more in the years to come.

Have fun, Ineng. No matter what each day brings, have fun. Learn and enjoy. And if it helps, as your friends firmly believe, wear pink.

Baka Makaisa

Isa sa mga nakakapikon na bagay sa mundo ay ang mga ex. Bukod sa kadalasan pinabayaan ka nila o kaya ay sinaktan nang kayo pa, kung minsan di nila kayang tanggapin na nakawala ka na. Na nakausad ka na...palayo sa kaniya. Malayung-malayo sa kanila.

Noong nakaraang linggo, nagkita kami nung isang ex ko. High school sweetheart daw ang tawag doon. Makikisabay raw siya pagbalik ko sa Maynila. Sabi ko may mga kukunin pa akong dokumento. Sabay sakay ako kay Jiminy da Cricket. Paspas. Tatlong oras lang, nasa Maynila na ako. Sa distansyang halos 200KM.

Kanina naman, nag-text iyong isang ex ko. Nasaan daw ako at sino raw ba iyong kasama ko noong Pasko? Napikon ako. "Those are juvenile questions reserved for the selfish and immature. And you have no right to ask."

Pero sa loob ko, pu^^&%@ng ina niyo. Ang guwapo niyo. Una muna, inaral ko kung mukha ba akong madaling makuha, madaling lokohin. Hindi naman.

Tingin ko, lalaki lang sila. Iyong prinsipyo nila na sakalit makalusot, jackpot.

Ilang beses ko ring nilaro sa isip ko na pinuputulan ko sila.

Kasi pareho na silang may asawa.

A Trip To The Beach

I had to go out of town over the weekend for a coverage. I stayed in this resort. A bit carelessly maintained, but it still has its beauty if you look closely enough.

I stayed in this room. I later discovered when I came home from field work one late afternoon that it doubles up as a "short time" place. Naena. Kuripot kasi, ayan.


I bought this in the town's market. A yellow fin tuna which was so fresh and cheap. A kilo cost P50. The hammer? Don't ask.

A walk to the beach led me to these kids playing.

This little girl is called Remincen by her playmates. She's the smallest in the group. She's nice but is a spitfire when roused. The orange sunset made her more beautiful.

This is what I learned: sometimes people hang on to love and their partners disregarding ego and pride. The union may be a bit shaky, but they somehow find happiness. Some even come to a modus vivendi that bombs your organized world. I won't recommend it to anyone. Find your own yellow fin fish. Go fishing.

Pictures

When we produced our year end report, I tried as much as possible to join the shoots. One I didn't want to pass up was the shoot with Bayang. I knew it was going to be great in terms of color and drama.


Below is Hech, my production administrator, wearing the historic gown. (Long story) He directed this beauuuuutiful segment. He directs, writes superbly in English and Pilipino, bean counts, finds money when there is none, makes chaos disappear, whips people into shape, explains processes to idiotic me, and generally makes my world a bit more easy. Without him by my side, I would go insane. He hates the math part, but he took on the job to learn more about the industry. I learn a lot from him. He's such a nice, humble, smart and funny guy.

Sana dumating ang araw na makapanood na ako ng movie na siya ang nag-direct. Pangarap ko iyon para sa kanya.

Hay, Hech. Isa kang alamat.

Temptations

I have hyperthyroidism. I have rhinitis. Then I found out yesterday I am borderline diabetic. Hmmm. I can work on these. Only the good die young, but I'm not going to help the fiery side rejoice by having me so soon by being careless about my health. These are manageable setbacks.

I am able to put the hyperthyroidism under control now. The trembling has lessened. It acts up only when I resort to the usual bad habit of not eating breakfast and eating only after 2PM, missing out on the pills. I brought the pills down to twice a day instead of thrice. Don't tell my doctors.

I began the rhinitis treatment again, which I stopped because I don't eat on time and I hate downing pills on an empty stomach. Kinda makes my stomach whir like a malfunctioning machine.

The sugar problem, I do not take seriously. It's not a problem yet. With the right diet, I will be capable of putting it back to its right level. Again, I blame it on being too lazy to eat and then acting like a tazmanian devil when I'm finally in front of some food. Then I'm too lazy to eat dinner again.

With the trembling and heart rate under control, I'm hitting the gym again beginning tomorrow. Which, in turn, will burn the calories that turn to starch then to sugar. This will not put me down.

It's a blessing that the new job is less stressful than the previous one. I hope it stays that way. I'm getting rid of the admin stuff first, then I'll start the editorial push. I took on this job for a reason, and that reason will be evident within the year. Then, who knows?

The past week, I've been able to go home early and cook dinner. The fact that I'm still alive is proof that my cooking has turned from ghastly to barely edible. So, no wisecracks about my cooking...or else I'll cook for you.

A friend heard I'm out of the network and gave me a call. Things can be tempting sometimes, but I am committed to stay in my current job. Throw in a car and a housing loan and I'll probably be tempted. I know those are not in the picture that's why I'm saying that.

Jiminy da Cricket is sporting a minor scratch. I sort of dented this nice car in the office garage, this huge Pajero. It's owned by a lawyer who holds office next door. I thought before he drags me to court and spews heretofores and whereases, I better fess up. His secretary let me in. He smiled and found me weird. That word again. Then I dragged him downstairs so he knows which damage I authored, before he starts blaming me for other dents in his car, real or imagined.

"This your car?" he points at Jiminy da Cricket. I said yes and he smiled.
"This what you did?" he asks. I said yes and he smiled. He touches it. There are no other dents. He smiles. Why does he keep smiling?
"What a way to meet you," he says, after a somewhat long introspection.
"Yes, I kinda bumped into you," I said. He inspects Jiminy's scratch and shakes his head. I felt like an idiot who can't cook and can't drive.

"You should take him out to lunch or dinner to somehow pay for it, Negra. You owe him that much. Kinda cover the cost of hiding that sratch, you meathead," said a friend. I juggled various images of asking a married man out.

I wonder how that would look.

The Show For Me

There is always something about old country roads. Either you see trees from both sides of the road reaching out to hug each other. Or fog making the world seem calm and pleasantly clouded, slowing you down, reminding you to savor the view instead of just zipping by. Driving is not about speeding up to a destination, but watching, learning from each mile.
Then you are rewarded with a riot of colors only The Big Boss Up There can concoct as He fiddles with the last rays of the sun. You are a child mesmerized by the light and darkness dancing.
You sit on the edge of the movie, watching the best show on earth, trying to be part of the scene made just for you, if you just sit back, relax and let Him show you what He can do with mountains, the sea, the shore and the retreating sun.

Thanks, Boss!

Of Fathers and Sons

"Here's to our dads," he says, and we sip our sodas. His is a dead beat, mine, really dead.

I remembered these pictures I took in the early morning of January 1.



I am always in awe of people who have the courage and the patience to conceive and raise children. Those who squeeze the joy out of every second with their child, like the man above...and the man below.


Tender moments like these can sometimes make you want to cry, desperately but silently beseeching the heavens to make you remember moments like these of your own, summoning the sense of security you felt around your father, that solid feeling that everything is alright, as long as he is around.

You kind of lose that when he's no longer around.

Great Expectations

I didn't want to spend new year's eve in Manila. Firecrackers were making my heart race. The choice was either to die, to make someone die. Since I believe in the idea of world peace more fiercely than your average Ms. Congeniality, I decided to leave Manila.
And so I stayed here. A resort put up allegedly by a heart-broken young man. Hmmm.

I spent new year's eve with men barely able to walk.

Some worked, and some decided it was a good time as any to get drunk and enjoy the holiday.

I woke up for a few seconds when I heard the revelers outside at midnight. Then went back to sleep. I woke up to this beautiful sight.

This is the continuation of the great years I've been having.

Happy new year, everyone!