Dream

Dream, the third of The Endless, you are in charge
of the Dreaming, all imagination and
creativity, everyone knows your beautiful
realm, but none truly understand it. You are
dark and brooding, creative, and spend a lot of
time by yourself, just thinking. You are almost
as serious as Destiny, but not quite. Everyone
is enchanted by you, but you keep them all at a
distance, even when you shouldn't.


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

not true

You Are 70% Normal (Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How Normal Are You?

the long and short of it

my kalukadidang loves receiving lengthy emails but usually keeps his responses to one-liners.

my yak:
i've been campaigning for the heavens to send down rain for weeks now. a dark cloud here and there would make me smile. talk to the clouds, JJ. i would prod the dark mass to bring it on. where is thy power? where is thy rain? i was worried the Big Boss Up There might think i was gearing up for some Jobian debate with Him. no, no, just a mere mortal asking for some rain.

then it rained today. yahoooo! i imagined myself writing and working from home. cool breeze and all. and the soothing sound of rain outside.

then i get a call. why not just check scripts in the office for a change?

so i said goodbye to the rain, and went to our window-less office. *sigh* sometimes, it just ain't fair.

his reply:
Be careful what you ask for, but enjoy what you get.

my reply:
*sigh.* my dear____,
when they made up the imaginary island of laconia,
they probably had you in mind as its first resident.
still, i love you.

silly

it all started with this tasteless text message from the guy:

girl: "ang bango ng bird mo"
boy: "kasi ginagamitan ko ng tide" (or something)
girl: "ginamitan mo rin ba ng downy?"

my text: "sounds like something from your experience."
his text: "you will never know."
my text: "thank god."
his text: "i do not want to explore that which has been explored before."
my text: "yes, stick with virgins. they wouldn't know what they're missing."

silence.

slapping around misogynist, apparently short-hung, obviously archaic-brained men is a great pastime.

bitching 101

miranda at the grocery baggage counter: "tell me what day you'll have time for me, so i know when to go back."
the guard says: "i am just working on something, please wait."
miranda says: "what pays your salary? cleaning your gun or customers like me?"
the guard takes her baggage and gives her a claim stub. if looks could kill.
yeah, but they don't.

i survived on caffeine and nicotine and bitching yesterday.
will do it again today.

the dodo

I woke up to an open door.
I slept leaving it open.
With only the chain barring any would-be intruder.
What the heck am I doing?

Guilty

Who the heck wrote that tearful "Guilty" script for that shampoo commercial?
Crucify him! Crucify him!
The lines are bad, and I'm being nice. (__________place unprintables here)

Who the heck directed that Kris beer commercial?
Kris appears like a germ-scared OC handling a vial of virus.
(or is Kris really a bad actress?)

I'd go for that hilarious YC Bikini brief and Seiko wallet ad anytime of the week and twice on weekends.

ala lang. i just feel like bitching.

He's Out of My Life

Every time I come home, he's there.
At night, he kept me awake.
He changed my life.
Yesterday, I launched a major campaign to force him to leave me.
I changed everything at home in a day.
I overhauled the place.
Cleaned every nook and cranny.
Disinfected everything.
I finally got rid of him.
But my whole body aches from the effort.
Don't come back, you damn rat.
Never mind if you're small and Disney thinks you're cute.

Like all relationships, this experience with Mickey/Speedy Gonzales taught me one thing:rats do not like the smell of chlorox.
So if you have a creature like this at home, disinfect the tiles and sink with it every night to keep him away.
Then he's out of your life.

I wish I were writing about a man.
Now there's the real drama.

I want to be "in the black"

From dictionary.com

black Pronunciation Key (blak)
adj. black·er, black·est

1. Being of the color black, producing or reflecting comparatively little light and having no predominant hue.
2. Having little or no light: a black, moonless night.
3. often Black
   1. Of or belonging to a racial group having brown to black skin, especially one of African origin: the Black population of South Africa.
   2. Of or belonging to an American ethnic group descended from African peoples having dark skin; African-American.
4. Very dark in color: rich black soil; black, wavy hair.
5. Soiled, as from soot; dirty: feet black from playing outdoors.
6. Evil; wicked: the pirates' black deeds.
7. Cheerless and depressing; gloomy: black thoughts.
8. Being or characterized by morbid or grimly satiric humor: a black comedy.
9. Marked by anger or sullenness: gave me a black look.
10. Attended with disaster; calamitous: a black day; the stock market crash on Black Friday.
11. Deserving of, indicating, or incurring censure or dishonor: “Man... has written one of his blackest records as a destroyer on the oceanic islands” (Rachel Carson).
12. Wearing clothing of the darkest visual hue: the black knight.
13. Served without milk or cream: black coffee.
14. Appearing to emanate from a source other than the actual point of origin. Used chiefly of intelligence operations: black propaganda; black radio transmissions.
15. Disclosed, for reasons of security, only to an extremely limited number of authorized persons; very highly classified: black programs in the Defense Department; the Pentagon's black budget.
16. Chiefly British. Boycotted as part of a labor union action.

n.

1. 1. The achromatic color value of minimum lightness or maximum darkness; the color of objects that absorb nearly all light of all visible wavelengths; one extreme of the neutral gray series, the opposite being white. Although strictly a response to zero stimulation of the retina, the perception of black appears to depend on contrast with surrounding color stimuli.
   2. A pigment or dye having this color value.
2. Complete or almost complete absence of light; darkness.
3. Clothing of the darkest hue, especially such clothing worn for mourning.
4. often Black
   1. A member of a racial group having brown to black skin, especially one of African origin.
   2. An American descended from peoples of African origin having brown to black skin; an African American.
5. Something that is colored black.
6. Games.
   1. The black-colored pieces, as in chess or checkers.
   2. The player using these pieces.

v. blacked, black·ing, blacks
v. tr.

1. To make black: blacked their faces with charcoal.
2. To apply blacking to: blacked the stove.
3. Chiefly British. To boycott as part of a labor union action.

Phrasal Verb:
black out

1. 1. To lose consciousness or memory temporarily: blacked out at the podium.
   2. To suppress (a fact or memory, for example) from conscious recognition: blacked out many of my wartime experiences.
2. To prohibit the dissemination of, especially by censorship: blacked out the news issuing from the rebel provinces.
3. To extinguish or conceal all lights that might help enemy aircraft find a target during an air raid.
4. To extinguish all the lights on (a stage).
5. To cause a failure of electrical power in: Storm damage blacked out much of the region.
6. 1. To withhold (a televised event or program) from a broadcast area: blacked out the football game on local stations.
   2. To withhold a televised event or program from: blacked out the entire state to increase ticket sales.

Idiom:
in the black

On the credit side of a ledger; prosperous.

Pink

From dictionary.com
pink¹ Pronunciation Key (pingk)
n.

1. Any of a group of colors reddish in hue, of medium to high lightness, and of low to moderate saturation.
2. 1. Any of various plants of the genus Dianthus, such as the carnation and sweet William, often cultivated for their showy fragrant flowers.
   2. Any of various other plants, such as the wild pink and the moss pink.
   3. A flower of any of these plants.
3. The highest or best degree: in the pink of health.
4. pinks
   1. Light-colored trousers formerly worn as part of the winter semidress uniform by U.S. Army officers.
   2. The scarlet coat worn by fox hunters.
5. Slang. A pinko.
6. A pink salmon

adj. pink·er, pink·est

1. Of the color pink.
2. Slang. Having moderately leftist political opinions.

instinct

you just know it.
you've been had.
again.
there's no proof.
but the feeling is there.

rainy days again.
hit the mattress.
it's going to be painful.
there's no proof.
but the feeling is there.

low blow, man.
low blow.
what did i ever do to you?

all four seasons in one day (with a nod to sting)

Quiapo for dvds.
On what I christened as my “shutdown” day.
No newspapers. No CNN. No radio. No cellphone. No text messages. No phone calls. No gym. No pressure. No cares. Hu kers?

Sad snapshots.
Pictures I didn’t really want to see because I know they exist.
An old sick man using a battered plastic chair as a crutch.
The last time he had a bath was when he was young.
The last time he had a meal is lost in memory.
Don't lose it. Breathe. Walk.

I treaded sidewalks I knew were peopled 24 hours a day, but several humans were able to make it their toilet, leaving behind solid proofs.
It stank of the scent of a thousand dogs claiming each inch of territory.
On two legs.

Manila is filthy.
And that’s the understatement of the century.
Instead of campaigning for people to have more children, will the mayor please clean up his city?

Haggling for dvds.
People talked in a language I don’t understand.
They're not even in the business of building a tower.
Men stared and made rude remarks, meant to be said behind one’s back to be safe, meant to be heard to intimidate.

Now I’m laughing my heart out as I watch old mtvs of billy joel as they made him sing and dance and act.
I cringe at how mtvs were shot and scripted back then – so literal.

The 80s is hilarious.
I should call it the bubble gum decade.
People wore yellow with blue and red.
Everyone had big hair.
Like having an Eiffel tower on your head in a mark of distinction.
You have to give it to billy joel.
He was unaffected by what was in vogue, whatever the decade.
You can tell he’s an angry musician.
For whatever reason.
The anger fuels his writing, but the language is never violent.
You can tell some songs were written in self-defense.
Or to prove a point.
With sarcasm and humor alternating.

For the first time, I saw Peter Gabriel on a shelf.
I’ve been looking for him for ages.
Yes, kiss that frog.

movies i forgot

these movies skipped my mind

a. crimen del padre amaro
the ironic thing about this movie is that sometimes, the people labeled as anti-establishment are the people who are , it turns out, moral. the movie is sexy, sensual and downright human. sad thing is, it's the bright boy of the diocese who's being sexy and sensual. until the last second, i was hoping for redemption for amaro. that is, that he resign from priesthood and be like the rest of us catholics. i was hoping for a white over black grafix in the end, saying this is a true story and the priest resigned. it turns out the boondocks-bound priest is the hero of the movie all along.

b. the underworld
the original "nightmare on elm street" movie and the book "amityville," i saw and read, respectively, when i was very young and well, unguided by elders. both gave me nightmares, and i must admit, it made me "see dead people" even at noontime. long story, but the short of it is, i shut off "the gift" as some say, which some others call "the curse."
the underworld, unlike any i've seen, scares you for the first 10 minutes. then makes you THINK the rest of the time. it's so damn political. i convinced addy to see it. he came back saying i was right in calling it political.

a movie, like a book, must make us all think. more importantly, imagine. weave another world and more ideas. unless movies are able to do that, we waste money.

and oh, here are some cartoon movies i will never forget.

1. beauty and the beast
all disney movies have one segment where they feature all characters and make them sing and dance. i loved the part where the cups and saucers and plates had their number. also, i hate lining up for movies but for this one, i did. and at that time i was covering the senate so the nearest movie house mina and i landed in was....tangna, harrison plaza. pero hu kers. i don't ker even if the ker bers ker.

2. an american tail
a kid looking for his family. don't ask.

here's the thing...i still watch cartoons. i stay up for the ones i like. a year ago cartoon network featured "gargoyles" at 2AM. i stayed up for it every damn night. i just loved it. like the cartoons of the olden times, it had GMRC.

back when i had no cable, i'd wake up early to watch morning cartoons. the world can go hang but i have to see it. buy your own set, i'd tell my friends, because we're having cartoons until they are here. (thank you, studio 23!)

my friends used to hate it because "the simpsons" was shown on tv every friday night at 9PM. i wouldn't go out until after i've seen it. my friends thought, and still do, that i'm a kid trapped in an old person's body. (they thought that what, 15 years ago?)

here's the thing: if you've stopped loving cartoons, you've stopped being imaginative. your creativity is limited by the reality you've imposed on yourself, or allowed others to impose on you. in my book, once you smother that, the kid in you, you're dead, creatively at least. how many ways can an anvil fall? only cartoon people know. and there are other new ways being discovered.

cartoons still makes me laugh. at 4AM.
padre amaro makes me cry.
so, let's love the anvils. and may they never fall on us and make us adults.

flick stuff

ok, since koryn can really twist one's arm....

memorable movies:

1. A FEW GOOD MEN
you just gotta love jack nicholson for his arrogance. and how it brought him down. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! YOU USE WORDS LIKE HONOR....as a punchline. WE SAVE LIVES, BOY! ARE WE CLEAR? Crystal. (about GMRC. good manners and right conduct. that's what it all always boils down to, for me.)

2. BROADCAST NEWS
Again, it always boils down to GMRC. And honesty. I don't remember the exact quote, but the boss talks about journalists wanting to have the lifestyle of the people they cover. Which is wrong, by the way, in case some people forget. Oh, I love how the PA ran from the editing room to the studio to have the story aired. I used to see that every Saturday night....those cardiac moments.

3. THE PAPER
Again, it always boils down to GMRC. Amid family crises, a journalist tries to "get it right" althought it gets him into trouble with his boss. It should be seen by all journalism students.

4. THE GODFATHER
The original is a classic study in human psychology. The book will tell the reader a lot about why humans behave the way they do, with power, real or imagined. The movie is loyal to the book. Puzo can write. Two and three still good. Why is it my all time favorite? No one has ever come close to portraying how humans behave in moral and criminal times, and why they do the things they do in both.

5. FINDING FORRESTER
Saw it over and over and over and over and over again. "The key to writing...is writing!" Only a writer can write that. "You write the first draft, with your heart...the second draft, with your mind." I wish I have the privilege to ram this down the throat of anyone who wants to write/is writing. The plot is a bit convoluted as the film tried to inject a lot of issues it wasn't able to tie up nicely in the end, but it's still a heartwarming movie. Too bad I don't have a heart.
(Oh, i saw it the first time with Kevin, which makes it to the nth power memorable)

6. ALMOST A WOMAN (based on the memoirs of Esmeralda Santiago)
From Puerto Rico, a family travels to New York City. You have to love the mother for her determination to ensure that her daughter gets an education. And how smart the young girl is for keeping her brain intact despite the emotional upheavals brought on by first love. Yes, that dreaded thing you survived and wouldn't want your nieces and nephews to go through)

7. LOVE STORY (starring Ali MacGraw and Ryan O'Neal)
THIS gotta be the PINK thing you're all looking for in my shelves. I bought a copy because ERICH SEAGAL was condemned for writing a story like this. "Hey, preppie!" Was it good? I cried damn buckets. I think I still have my heart somewhere.

Dag-im

banta ka nang banta.
wala ka nang ginawa
kundi umamba nang umamba

tatlong araw na akong nakadungaw
habang sa trabaho'y nakasingkaw
hinihintay kung kailan ka hahataw

umulan ka na, ano ba?

Dear Lord

may ilan lang akong tanong...

bakit di ako marunong magluto?
bakit di pa umuulan?
magkano na kaya ang babayaran ko na sa meralco?
yayaman na ba ako?
mananalo ba ako sa libel?
mala-libel ba ulit ako?
mumurahin kaya ako ni atienza?

maiba ako, bakit mo ba pinabayaang maimbento ang adobo?

buti na lang, di mo kailangang sumagot.
kasi baka nasampiga mo na ako sa mga tanong ko.

nakukulitan ka na ba? ha? ha?

the way of the dodo

koryn accuses me of having very few stupid moments. that's the understatement of the year. here are some "dodo moments" i have had/am having.

1. i bought my aircon last year thinking that all window-type aircons come in just one size. t what i bought was too big for the hole in the wall. tried returning it but the store saw a dent on the side. since i didn't inspect it when it was delivered, i had to wait for almost a month till the aircon makers could inspect it and establish that it was a factory defect. meantime, i sweated the load and made frequent trips to the shower in the middle of the night to cool down. aircon was finally installed. in the middle of a howling typhoon.

2. i can't, for the life of me, commute to my best friend's house in san juan without asking for directions. everytime. and we've been friends for 15 years.

3. i smoke

4. i drink

5. i dated some horrendous men and fell for them

6. i continue to cook adobo although i know perfecting it would be like finding the holy grail

7. peter ocampo. need i say more?

8. i am blogging instead of working on an article due tomorrow.

9. i still cook adobo.

10. i still cook adobo.

the dodo

it's 6pm and i'm in a hurry to hit the gym.
i kept my eyes glued to the tv set,
straining to see the last few scenes of an HBO movie
on my way out.
the door.
*click*

tangna.
i left the key inside.
my cellphone, too.
and the tv is on.

i call concon in her office.
"i need to use the spare set i gave you."
i knew what was coming so it stung just a bit.
"bwahaha! tanga!
i'll be off shortly before midnight.
max out your hours in the gym.
eat somewhere then i'll pick you up."

i....have...no...money, i tell her.
"bwahaha! tanga!"
twice na, ha?
it hurts na!

such the the life of a moron who faces the computer for 10 hours.

it was the way of the dodo.

i wish it rains.

*sniff*sniff*waaaahh!*

salamisim

naamoy na kita.
nasa hangin ka na.
nasa dilim ka na.
nasa tanghaling tapat ka.
nasa bahagyang malamig sa simoy ng hangin.
sa maulap na papawirin.
sana bumagsak ka na.

ulan. ulan. pantay kawayan.
bagyo. bagyo. pantay kabayo.

makaraos

iniisip kita ngayong gabi.
at sa mga gabing lumipas.
sa isip ko, tulad ng dati, bumabayo ka.
wala akong magawa kundi humiga,
hintaying matapos ang iyong pagkubabaw,
ang iyong halinghing at pag-ungol.
pagkatapos, mamamaluktot ako sa ginaw na dulot ng iyong pagdating.
at sa takot sa iyong halinghing
parang galit, at kailangang mairaos lang.
dumating ka na.
at diligin ng hamog ang uhaw na lupa.

sana umulan na.
sana kasama ang kulog.
at kidlat.

dahil...
namputsa, ang init!
at ang taas na ng singil ng meralco dahil sa aircon.

Prozac. Please. Now!!!

3:00 I'm smiling. They said I should wait. The lesser employees talk, the privacy of their conversation guaranteed by the one-way mirror and the closed door.
Employee A: You're not wearing panties.
Employee B: Yes, I am. I'm wearing thongs
Employees C and D make jokes about thongs.

4:00 Still smiling. Still I should wait.
Employee B: Where is my bagoong from your trip to Baguio?
Employee A: Oh, it's here.
Employee B: I'm not comfortable in these thongs.
Employee A: I'm selling panties. Want to buy?
Employee B chooses one and proceeds to change. She emerges from the bathroom holding her spoiled undergarment, which she hides in her bag.

5:00 Still smiling. Still waiting.
Employee A: I'm hungry.
Employee B goes to the fridge and makes tuna sandwich for everyone. I decline the offer. Bottles of soda are passed around. Employees from other offices drop by and join the fiesta. More jokes about thongs, this time growing bolder. And everyone demands a bottle of bagoong from Employee A.

5:30 My butt is growing molds as I sit here.

6:00 I go out briefly to smoke. Butt still growing molds.

6:30 Finally it's my turn. But she's on her way out. Can I ask my questions on the way to her car? I notice the factotum carrying her stuff. She's serious. I won't get my quote unless I agree.

6:40 She drives away. I get my quote. She lied. Of course.

An afternoon spent in a government office. Prozac. Please. Now!!!

The Best Man

he knew when i was bored. he would sense it and would immediately ask me out. which often meant a brief walk to the plaza. he’d make an excuse so we could be alone.

he taught me how to dance, placing each of my foot on top of his.

he began my passion for story-telling. he told me stories. with special effects within his reach. the lamp light dimmed or brightened, depending on the mood of the story.

he gave me a passion for the truth by teaching me not to lie. that it would be easier to live with the ugly truth than the lovely painted lies. (i broke the glass)

he taught me that older people are (mostly) wiser and that i should listen to them.

he taught me to have ideals and nurture them. (which explains the “underground” men who sought refuge in our house)

he gave me the freedom to be with my butterflies and dragonflies, as long as i went home unhurt from my adventures.

he took me riding on his motorcycle. just me and my man, his arms circling me, like a safety blanket.

when he was unable to take me to his out of town trips with him, he asked another man, grandpa, to watch over me.

he banished me for weeks to live with seaside-living relatives so i would be forced to eat fish and anything green.

he taught me to live life like everyday is an adventure. like everything can be magical. that in every minute, there is something to be discovered.

when he was gone, he left behind his books, which gave me more ideas about the man that he was.

he left behind letters telling me he wanted me to be a doctor and that he saved money for it.

i miss you like hell, dad.

To Mothers

Who were virgins but later managed to give way to 9-pound babies
Who can do ten things and a thousand others all at the same time
Whose cooking and survival instincts kicked in the minute they gave birth
Who can whip up food for a multitude within minutes of warning
Who can cook perfect adobo (darn!)
Whose number of kids is always plus one (the husband)
Who patiently weather the inanities of the men they chose to spend a lifetime with
Whose mere presence is a cure all
Whose mere kiss drives away fever and pain away
Who sit beside sick beds until tiny patients can play again
Who give kids enough rope to move around…or hang themselves with
Who yak till kingdom come because they care
Who can cook perfect adobo (darn!)
Who teach a child right from wrong
Who make their children’s every tiny accomplishment seem worthy of a Nobel
Who downplay weaknesses and prod one to try harder
In whose presence even tyrant sons and daughter become meek lambs
Who love their offspring, peacemaker or terrorist
Who can cook perfect adobo (darn!)

I stand in awe of you (and your adobo. darn!)

From Easy Eddie

The clock of life is wound but once
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
Now is the only time you own
Live, love, toil with a will
Place no faith in time
For the clock may soon be still.

ranting about abu ghraib

george bush (that buffoon in the white house masquerading as president) had a hard time saying it right the first time it hit the news. "abu ghair...abu grab...abu ghraib." (come to think of it, he says "nukyelar" all the time)

abu ghraib will forever scar the us military's image. any hint of abuse will have pundits invoking the name of the infamous prison.

when the story first came to light, i was appalled at the pictures. but i was more appalled at the reason given by those who gleefully took part in the abuse like it was a sunday barbeque with friends: "just following orders."

that damned line has been used by the nazis who took part in the extermination of the jews.

that damned line has been used by tutsis in going after hutus.

that damned line has been used by saddam's forces in torturing their own people.

that damned line has been used by men under pol pot.

that damned line has been used by albanians against serbs.

that damned line has been used by chilean soldiers under pinochet.

here at home, that damned line has been used by some MISG people when confronted about our desaparecidos.

the list goes on and on.

in high school, when military training was still in vogue, we were taught not to move when our commander barks out idiotic commands. it signals, quite politely, to the superior that he's made a mistake. if high school marching has that rule, i'm sure real armies have a similar built-in mechanism within their chain of command.

why the heck am i ranting about this? i just saw lynndie england, that tiny girl who held the leash with a grin and a thumbs up sign. was it part of some sick nocturnal foreplay between him and graner, before they retired in his cot? (which is a no-no, by the way, but that's just a minor infraction in the whole scheme of things at abu ghraib.)

a mistrial has been declared in england's case. maybe the prosecutors will refile. maybe not. graner gets 10 years.

oh, by the way, despite impregnating england, graner went on to marry someone else.

"don't forget the horns and the pitchfork," england told a court sketch artist, referring to graner.

hmm...a baby and single motherhood for england after abu ghraib. new romance and marriage for graner.

life goes on.

first love

(a tender moment with tiger)

the undercover princess talks about the first nephew and how the latest addition to the family makes her feel. it reminds me of a lot of things.

tiger and i were talking about this girl he liked in class. the girl liked him, too. but he was in a complicated situation. the girl's best friend also liked him, so he and the first girl kept everything under wraps. then when it became untenable, the girl broke up with him.

"it hurts," he said. i hugged him and told him it's part of the package. first love is always the most poignant, the most romantic, the most beautiful. if i could only take half of the pain, i would.

"who was your first love, auntie?" he asked.

"you are," i said.

"come on, really?" he said.

"yes, really," i said.

i explained that when he was born, my sister made me hold him, against my will, scared i would squish or drop him. i held him awkwardly, this little bundle of red and slit-like eyes who seemed to need me, and whose need i cannot reject.

that sealed it for me.

i started taking those long bus trips to subic every friday, which hurt my first-job pocketbook a lot. there were times i only had the exact money to get to the gates of the subic naval base. i would take a cab and ask my furious sister to pay the fare. my sister yakked a bit but she'd understand once she sees how much i missed her kid.

he wore pajamas until he could walk well enough to avoid cuts and scratches. i bought those cheap pajamas off manila's streets. i didn't want to see him sporting scars on his legs.

there was a time tiger's formula could not be found in olongapo's shelves. i skipped work and went to subic carrying several big cans. like a red cross staff on an emergency rescue mission. he was just three at the time, but he was so overjoyed in seeing the familiar markings, and hopefully, me.

when he was a year old, he talked fast and none of his sentences were comprehensible to me. it panicked me enough that i consulted a child psychologist. "your nephew's trying to say it all, as fast as he thinks."

"you talked to a shrink about my kid?" my brother-in-law was scandalized.

in a few weeks he adjusted his speech to his thought, and it amazed me that a two-foot kid could talk intelligently.

his mom bought him a complete set of science encyclopedia, and i made sure he absorbed as much as he could. science and math are his strongest subjects up to now.

i'd take him on long walks, away from his parents, to make sure we had time alone.

i'd walk out of the room if my sister as much as threatens him with her slippers when he misbehaves.

i didn't talk to my sister for weeks on end when i learned she made tiger go hungry as a lesson, for not wanting to eat on time.

i bought him a fish bowl, when i saw how animated and curious he became during a trip to a pet store. my sister could only roll her eyes.

"you're spoiling him!" she said.

"i'm his auntie. it's in my job description," i said.

none of those trips did not end in tears. i always cried all the way back to manila, especially when he saw me leaving and he cried to stop me.

there was always this huge, empty space in my chest when i was away and had to work.

i'd call him from manila just to hear his voice, listen to his monosyllabic sentences, and the world is beautiful again.

first nephews and nieces always make you vulnerable. they make you want to go home, stay home, and dream of world peace for their generation.

and the great part of the package is...when they start bawling and they need a diaper change, you can either ask mom or grandma to take over. then take him back when he is more agreeable, in temper and in scent.

sixteen years later, do i still feel the same about tiger? definitely.

but instead of those pajamas-against-knee-scrapes idea, my wish is that i can protect him from all the pains he will encounter in life, but i know that is not possible. my wish is that he would be able to climb mountains like i did, and see the view from the peak. my wish is that he would be able to go diving. my wish is that he would be able to travel the world and learn from other peoples and cultures. my wish is that he can always afford the books he wants to read, the food he wants to eat, the house he wants to live in. my wish is that he would find a job he loves, and contribute something great to it. my wish is that he would be a blessing to every person he meets, and that he is blessed by every person he meets.

i wish him great love, a great family, when the time is right. the waiting period is more for me. i'm still a jealous auntie. i still have the urge to scratch and hair pull any (imagined) girl who would hurt him deliberately.

and world peace for him and all nephews and nieces would be great, too. hopefully within our lifetime.

pers lab

(para mabura naman ang usapan tungkol sa kamatayan)

nanaginip ang isang kaibigan tungkol sa lalaking una niyang minahal. halos dalawang taon na silang walang koneksion, nakapagtatakang lagi niya itong napapanaginipan.

sabi ko, paano ka ba makawawala agad sa koneksion mo sa isang taong minahal, ipinagdasal at pinagtapunan ng sandamakmak namagandang panalangin at hangarin? taon ang binibilang.

at di totoong makalilimutan mo iyon. nakatatak siya sa iyong alaala, bahagi ng iyong pagkatao. bahagi ng kung sino ka. mabubura ng panahon ang maraming detalye, pero hindi ang taong minahal mo, at lalong hindi kung ano ang naramdaman mo noon, ang mga bagay na ginawa niyo, ang mga matitinding away na wala namang kabagay-bagay ang pinagmulan, at kung ano ang mga madramang ginawa mo "sa ngalan ng pag-ibig."

likod pa lang, alam mong siya na iyon. yabag pa lang, alam mong siya na iyon. di mo pa nakikita, at kahit walang usapan, alam mong darating siya. kakaiba ang talas ng pakiramdam mo kapag pers lab mo na ang nasasangkot.

malamang, "disi" ang simula ng edad mo kapag tinamaan ka nito.

may pers lab na maganda ang ending. di na naghiwalay, namuhay nang maligaya at nagkatotoo sa kanila ang ending ng bawat fairy tale. "and they lived happily ever after."

marami, tulad ng pangingisda kung tapunan ng baliktanaw ang pers lab. nakawala ang malaking huli. nanghihinayang.

marami, napapangiti. naiiling sa alaala. "ang korni pero true" kasi ng naranasang pagmamahal, at kung paano ipinakita iyon.

marami, (tulad ng mga tinamaan ng lintek na mga ex ko) nais pang muling buhayin ang patay nang apoy. kahit bawal dahil kasal na sa iba.

bakit nga ba pers lab ang unang-una, at pinakamatinding hagupit na babatain mo sa buhay? kumbaga, binabali ang pakpak mo, di ka pa man umaalagwa.

walang dadaig sa sakit na dulot ng nabigong pers lab. hudyat ito ng pamamayapa ng iyong paniwala na lahat ng bagay sa mundo ay maganda. dito mo malalaman na may mga tao kang mamahalin nang lubos, na maari ka rin palang saktan.

pero sino ang makalilimot sa magagandang emosyong dulot ng pers lab? may pagsusulit ka bukas, pero magnanakaw ka ng ilang oras makasama mo lang siya. ang ganda ng mundo dahil sa kanya. hawak lang sa kamay, parang perpekto ang mundo, ngumingiti ang kaluluwa mo. bawat hakbang niyong sabay, tila may koro ng mga anghel sa likod ng mga halaman sa inyong daraanan.

inosente ang pers lab. di ka ginigiyagis ng kamunduhan. sabi ko nga, sandamakmak na magandang hangarin at panalangin ang nakapaloob sa bawat isa.

pers lab. ang gandang yugto ng buhay. korni pero true.